Single “Will I be single forever?” is this something that you’re muttering to yourself when the night gets dark and your house starts to feel cold and lonely?
When you feel like, hmm it would be really nice to be binge watching this Netflix show with someone.
I know what it feels like to be alone and not be happy with it. If you feel the same way, keep reading – this just might help.
If you’re asking yourself if you will be single forever, you’re experiencing one or both of the following:
- Low self esteem because you’re afraid no one will love you
- The feeling that there’s nobody out there that will match what you’re looking for
The first one has to do with you not being good enough, and the other has to do with the people out there not being good enough. Both leave you alone.
Let’s start tackling each of these one by one.
You Have Low Self Esteem
If you don’t think you’re worthy of love, you have low self esteem whether you’re ready to admit that or not.
When you think about, it the only reason humans are even on earth is to feel and give love. Otherwise what’s the point of eating and sleeping if we can’t connect with the other people who occupy this earth?
Wait! Hold the phone here…
Hold on, before we get any further into this article I just want to make it clear that if you’re happy being alone and you don’t need or want a significant other then that is wonderful!
That is seriously amazing and you will get your feeling of love from your passions, your friends and your family.
That’s amazing and nothing to be frowned upon.
But this article is for people who are afraid they will be single forever and WANT to find a romantic relationship.
You Have Low Self Esteem
The cause of low self esteem can be many things but these are the major ones that I have seen have an impact on my client’s love lives.
No, not everyone who is an introvert has low self esteem. But many people who feel they are not outgoing enough can start to use introversion as an excuse for why they might not be able to find a partner.
The truth is, meeting new people and putting yourself out there in the dating world absolutely does take a certain level of out-going-ness.
As an introvert myself, I can find it difficult to connect with new people right away – yet that’s what dating is all about.
You’re supposed to go for drinks with someone and connect with them right then and there. If you blow it, you’re done and you don’t get to go on a second date.
If you’re a man, you might struggle to put yourself out there and introduce yourself to women. You might find it hard to connect with them and ask them for a number.
If you’re a woman you might find it awkward or challenging to be flirty and friendly on a first date.
If this is the case, your introversion or shyness is probably not helping you find a partner.
It’s ok to be quiet and introverted, it’s not ok to use that as an excuse to not do anything to improve.
If you want to be more outgoing, you can be. It just takes a little work and a perspective shift.
But I hate small talk
I hear this from introverts all the time. They hate going on dates because they don’t like the fluffy conversations that happen
Introverts like “deep and meaningful conversations” they don’t want to be bothered talking about the easy stuff.
I have been in this boat and you know what? That’s a big ol’ excuse for not leaving your comfort zone.
By saying you only like deep and meaningful conversations, you are saying that you only like to talk to people you already know well.
Have a look at the different stages of human connection:
- Small talk
- Personal Revelation
The more “fun” conversations happen at step two and three but guess what?
You ‘aint getting to step two without step 1!
Being bad at small talk is one thing. Choosing purposely not to partake in it is going to keep you single forever. If you need some help on small talk I wrote a book about it here.
Burned From A Past Relationship
Another reason people find themselves with low self esteem is if they have been in a bad relationship in the past.
I have a friend who was in a horrible relationship for many years and now she associates relationships with heartache, struggle and anxiety rather than love and support.
The protective wall
This is where we have to talk about the protective wall.
The protective wall is the thing you put up when you don’t want to get hurt again. You remember the pain of loving and losing and you do not want to put yourself through that again.
So you put the wall up thinking this is going to save you from pain.
The wall works both ways.
It stops anyone from getting too close but it also stops you from getting too close to anyone.
Her research founded that when you reveal your true self to someone and they accept you, this is where true love and connection is born.
If you have your wall up, thinking that it’s going to protect you from getting hurt – you are correct, it will help with that.
But it will also stop you from achieving a true deep and loving connection with someone else. Thus, making you single forever.
If you need help taking this wall down and seeing how you can do this with minimal chance of getting hurt, check out my post on it here.
Rumination and Negative Thinking
The last reason that you might have low self esteem is if you are your own worst enemy. Does your brain tell you how much you suck?
If it does, then the one thing that is supposed to be encouraging you and support you is doing the total opposite. This is a downward spiral into anxiety and depression.
You do control your brain
I know that negative thinking and rumination are not something that you can just stop. Once your brain gets used to looking at the down side of things, it’s very difficult to climb out of that hole.
But difficult doesn’t mean impossible. When I tell my clients to start thinking more positively, they roll their eyes and think I don’t understand them.